I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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