i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
