if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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