if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
