i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
