We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
