she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
