we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂