FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Come camping we have xanax and steaks