He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.