Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
