remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
