I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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