What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
