I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
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Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
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I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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