Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
