At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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