Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
