i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
