Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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