...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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