I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
