Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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