I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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