It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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