How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
