At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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