On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
