I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
