I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
