I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
