I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
