I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
