Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
