my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
