Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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