like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
