When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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