Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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