there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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