I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
