Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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