I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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