No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
