i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
