I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
this is an emotional support booty call
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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