definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
