Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
