I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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