There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
