Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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