Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
