Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
