Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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