I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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