I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
