apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
