i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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