I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
