it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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