sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
