My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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