Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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